her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
