Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
