I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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