Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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