Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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