Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The air was thick with penises
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
