Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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