the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
