I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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