Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
