Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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