he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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