I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
