Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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