I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Drake has all the answers
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
