hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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