I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
