On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
