Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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