this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
