My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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