do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
