WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
