I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
