So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
