My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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