So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
