I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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