At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
