Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
