I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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