Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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