dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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