how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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