i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
