Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
