Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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