I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We are all done wearing pants today
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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