You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
