does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
