well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
