Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
