I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
