I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
