Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
