Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
