I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
