I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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