And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
