somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Your penis caused this!
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