if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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